HOW AND WHY I STOPPED HATING MY BODY

This is a journey that I have personally been on for as long as I can remember; learning how to be okay with my body and how to accept the fact that I didn’t grow up with the body that I wanted. I think it’s fair to put that out there. I don’t have the body that I really desire. I tried for so long to get that body. I have tried everything under the sun.  I don’t want to use the word “eating disorder” because I don’t know if ever really had one, but I can tell you that for a long time in my teens in high school, I would go an entire day or two without eating. I mean, I’ve gone from chewing food and spitting it out, over eating, binge eating, obsessing over my weight, weighing myself 10, 20x a day. I mean, it was a real problem for me. Through the years, I have gotten much more comfortable with my relationship with my body and with food, but I am by no means cured of this thing. I don’t know if I ever will be. And it’s okay. I think it’s okay to admit that.

For me, my issues with my body started far back as being 13 years old. My parents got divorced and food became my comfort. Throughout the years, food was always the thing that was there for me. And again, not to make excuses, but I do know that people have different genetics and different body make ups and for some people it is harder and it is a different journey and a different experience to lose weight, to be fit, to be toned, or to have their “dream body” and I can tell you that for me it has been a struggle. It became something that just was who I was. I embodied that struggle in so many different ways. Being on diets and really hating my body for so long became the norm for me. It almost became the one thing that I could control and manipulate in my life. And I think for a long time it still was. Up until very recently.

Celebrating your body and your mind

What really shifted for me and what helped me not “celebrate” my body, because I don’t think I’m there yet, if I’m being completely honest. I think I’m getting there and that’s been my mission this year; my personal mission is to really love it. One thing that has helped me in accepting my body was discovering yoga.

For those of you who know me, you know that I’ve been practicing yoga and it’s a part of my world now on so many levels. The people that I’ve met there, the experience that I have in the studio during a class, the entire community, the brand, everything that it’s about. It's so much more different from being a "gym person". I would go to the gym, run on a treadmill, lift some weights. I felt isolated, I didn’t have gym friends. I didn’t feel like I looked like someone who went to the gym. I found yoga after going to a class at my local gym. I really liked the yoga class. It was great and I got a good sweat on and I loved the music. It was the one thing that I could do that I didn’t dislike doing in terms of exercise and working out. When I found yoga, everything changed for me. I don’t know what that perfect storm was: whether it was my instructor, or the music in the class or the environment and the people and the energy or the fact that it was dark and candle lit. It was just everything that I needed at the time and everything that I still need very much so in my life.

Discovering yoga showed exercise, health and wellness in a new light. Suddenly my workouts became about my mind and much less about my body. It was no longer “I’m working out to fit into 28 inch jeans.” It became, “I’m working out because I need to clear my head” or “I need to make some big decisions in my life” or “I need to challenge myself.”  I needed to be inspired and feel fulfill and the results of that were positive on my body as well and my body changed, but I did not get “skinny.” I did not get six pack ripped abs. I got a little muscle definition and I kind of shrunk a little bit, but that was a biproduct of all of the amazing things that were happening for me. I do think that if this is something you struggle with, then if you can find some kind of movement that is less about your body and more about your mind. I think that is a big step in learning how to celebrate your body and love your body when you see what you can do what you’re capable of, when you challenge yourself. Whether it’s yoga, dance, or spin, and you have that time to focus so intently on what you’re doing, but at the same time not focus on it, if that makes sense. Something happens and there’s a shift that happens that I can’t quite articulate, but I think you’ll know it when it happens to you. That has been a big step for me.

Practicing gratitude

Another thing that I’ve really come to practice when it comes to celebrating my body is gratitude, and having gratitude for everything that it does for me. I was watching a video the other day, and it moved me to tears. I actually could cry just thinking about it, because it was so powerful. They had these two women, best friends (I think) and they were asked to each write a personal list of all of the things they didn’t like about their bodies. They were then asked to read the list out loud to the friend as if they were speaking about their friend. One of the women said to her friend, “Everyone is staring at your back fat hanging over your bra” and the other girl said, “He would never had cheated on you if you had been 10 pounds skinnier.” Hearing them say these things out lout, really about themselves, but to someone else, and watching them break down, made me realize just how horrible we speak to ourselves and how ungrateful we are for these beautiful amazing bodies that can do so much for us every single day.

When I find myself getting frustrated with my thighs or my arms or my stomach, I think to myself:

“Thank you body for giving me legs that can move, that can get me anywhere that I want to go. Thank you for giving me these arms that let me write and work on my computer and write these blog posts and spread my message with the world. Thank you for my eyes that let me see the beautiful sunset every night. Thank you for my ears that let me hear the beautiful music that I love.”

And I know that it sounds kind of “woo woo”, or spiritual or weird, but it really has a serious impact on the way that we feel about ourselves. When we move out of the ego, and when we move out of the "omg I look so fat" and we start to really think about everything that we are as human beings, that really impacts ourselves. It makes me feel really bad for the way that I’ve treated my body and spoken about my body throughout my entire life.

Shifting your mindset

Another thing that has really helped me is a little mindset shift.  I wrote this down in a journal, “Hating yourself does not serve you anymore.” It’s a simple statement, but it holds so much power. When you think about the way you may have felt about yourself throughout the years, if you’ve struggled with weight, where has it gotten us? Where has stepping on the scale every morning, feeling guilt over what we ate the night before, or obsessively tracking our calories, gotten us? It has gotten me no where. It's just given me more of the same. It’s given me more damage, provided more self loathing, produced more sadness in my life and made me miss out on some really great things. Just thinking about that mantra, that statement, hating yourself does not serve you anymore, is a really great way to shift and to move into a better relationship with yourself and your body.

Following inspirational quotes & women

One of the last things that I’ve done to love myself and my body that has helped me is following women who preach body positivity. If you go on Pinterest and you type in “body positive quotes” you’ll find a ton of quotes and inspiring articles and blogs that help us deal with this. I think it’s important to keep feeding ourselves this “positive propaganda,” these good things, because if you feed yourself poison, you’re going to find yourself really depleted and really drained and not in a good place. So please make sure if you take anything away from this, think about yourself in a different way. Surround yourself with people who are just owning what they’ve got and lets make this our year to celebrate ourselves and celebrate our bodies.

Again, this all a work in progress for me. It’s something I’ve felt so scared to talk about, but I feel empowered to talk about it today and I hope it’s all making sense. I want to share more of this journey with you. I feel really called to speak about this for some reason. Something like my weight just seems so insignificant when there are just so many other things going on in the world. There are so many other important things that I want to do and see and be. And when you can start to look at it that way and get out of your own little bubble, and out of that small little world that you live in where you stare in a mirror everyday and hate the way that your thighs look, life is just very different.

There’s a quote that I love that I’m going to end this with:

“confidence is the best outfit you can wear, rock it and own it.”

To a life in full,

♡Amanda