HOW TO COPE WITH MISCARRIAGE AND GRIEF

I would like to just preface this by saying that above anything else, when it comes to the process of grieving, it’s so important to let yourself be where you’re at. Allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling. Don’t push yourself to feel a certain way because other people have shared their story and they’ve felt a certain way. Your story is YOUR story. Feel what you feel. Love yourself, take time for yourself. It will get better. Give yourself time.

When I found out I was pregnant for the first time, it never crossed my mind that I might lose my baby. My Husband and I are young and healthy, by medical standards. We saw this pregnancy as a miracle after 3.5 years of unexplained infertility and multiple failed IUIs as well as one failed IVF. We want nothing more than to be parents and we were overjoyed at the idea of our “bloobie” joining our family.

August 26th 2020, I found out I was having a missed miscarriage - when your body still shows signs of pregnancy, but the baby has stopped growing and shows no heartbeat. On August 28th, on my husband and I’s 4 year wedding anniversary, I miscarried our baby. A life loved and lost, an anniversary marred by grief.

This journey has included joy and pain, plans, dreams, invasive medical procedures, unsolicited advice, stupid comments, jealousy, tears, adorable outfits left behind in the store, questions with no answers and many dollars spent on pregnancy tests that turned out negative.

I wish with all my heart that this baby were with me. That I could see them and hold them and tell them how much I love them and how much they changed me.

I’m not a hero. I’m not perfect. This journey is a struggle. I’ve been angry and jealous, I’ve punched pillows and screamed. I’ve hid people on social media when they’ve made pregnancy announcements because I didn’t think I could handle nine months of ultrasound photos and morning sickness complaints and gender reveals. I’ve smiled politely when people have given me fertility advice or asked me when we’re going to have kids (or if we’re trying) and then been annoyed about it once they’ve left. It’s not easy, it’s painful.

All that said, if I’ve learned anything over these past years of infertility, it’s that (when I let it), the joy outweighs the pain.

I still smile when I see a baby or a pregnant belly.

I still revel in holding an infant while he or she sleeps.

I still giggle when a child gives me a smile, even if they don’t know me.

I still get excited to shop for a baby shower.

There’s a twinge of pain, a moment (or more) of wishing it was me. Sometimes there are tears. Sometimes I ask, “Why them, why not me”? But always, the joy of new life outweighs the pain that the new life isn’t my child.  It has taken time, and I still struggle, but I have found that as I have worked through my grief, striving for love, joy and peace, I have found those things. They aren’t without pain, but they also include hope and healing. I hope these tips for coping with grief work for you too.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO GRIEVE.

Grief overwhelms you with negative feelings. Don't try to push them away. Sit with them, feel them, and respond to them in a way that feel appropriate.

ALLOW YOURSELF TO FEEL.

Throughout the grieving process, you'll experience anger, sadness, numbness, and more. But you'll also smile, laugh, and feel joy. The timing of different feelings may surprise you. That’s natural. Go with it.

KNOW THERE IS NO SHAME IN YOUR EMOTIONS.

There is no shame in grieving. There is no time limit for grief. You shouldn’t “be over it” because a certain time has passed.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR MOVING FORWARD.

Sometimes, you will feel okay. Someday, you will smile again. You will laugh. Life will feel like your own. This is normal and healthy. We often feel guilty about experiencing these emotions, but its essential we allow ourselves to experience joy as we learn to live with our new normal.

ACCEPT THE REALITY OF YOUR LOSS.

Denial is a normal response, but in time, accepting your new reality is necessary for moving forward.

BE PREPARED TO HEAR INSENSITIVE REMARKS.

A particularly difficult part about grief is how people respond to it. Let's face it, people can say the WRONG thing at the WORST time. Try not to take their remarks personally, and make an effort to surround yourself by people whose words are helpful, not hurtful.

FIND A COMMUNITY OF OTHER GRIEVERS.

Support groups, whether in person or online, make a huge difference in your own emotional recovery. When we’re grieving, we’re surrounded by people who empathize, but having a community that’s living it with you will help you feel less isolated.

YOU ARE NOT OBLIGATED TO “MOVE ON.”

Moving on shouldn't be encouraged. Grieving is often seen as a "process" with a series of steps that parents are supposed to follow. Know that this isn't the case.

SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP.

Counseling, therapy, or whatever type of help feels best to you. Working through the grieving process with a qualified medical professional is a game changer. Click here to find a qualified professional near you.

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I wish there was an easy answer, a pill we could take or a book we could read that would fix the pain in an instant. There’s not. There’s time, and there’s love. There’s taking care of ourselves and being honest about how we are feeling. We’re all different, we all grieve in different ways, it’s not going to look the same for you as it has for me.

Do what you need to do. I needed to share my story and I have continued to need that. You might not want to talk about it, that’s okay. You might want to just share with your partner, or your mom or your best friend or a therapist, that’s okay too. You might want to write a blog, or a book, or a song, or a movie. You might want to paint. You might want to sign up for a boxing class and beat the tar out of a punching bag. Do what you need to do. Grieve how you need to grieve. Take care of yourself, love yourself, give yourself time, and ask for help, it’s there.